It’s harder if you care.

(Handing my blog over to the lovely Fiona today to share with you a little of what it’s like to live with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). May is BPD Awareness Month. Help eliminate the stigma and raise awareness of this serious condition by educating yourself and others.)

It’s harder if you care.

It causes me to drive you away. Please. I’m not worth it. Not worth your affection. All I’m going to do it hurt you and frankly fuck up your life, so get out now while you still can.

Fatal Attraction. Mad Love. Girl, Interrupted. Prozac Nation. 

Choose your film. 

Girls with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) are messed up, and are going to screw up your life.

At least that’s the media’s angle.

We’re way more likely to screw up our own.

What did this mean for me?

30 years old. My partner is my high school sweetheart. I’m a Speech Pathologist. I  just got my masters in Inclusive education. I work with kids with disabilities in a specialist autism school. 

And yet, I’m suicidal.

Regularly self harming. Cutting and drinking.

Sleeping around. Lies. 

Trying to get my partner to break it off. Desperately. 

And yet he won’t. He still loves me. Sees the good in me. Wants to help me.

We set boundaries.  Well, he sets them , I agree. 

And  then break them.

He doesn’t know I’ve resumed my Bulimic behaviours. Enough to get a dual diagnosis.

That there’s more than he ever knew. 

I ran away.

It was all I knew how to do.

I needed an out. 

He broke it off. And he took me to hospital. 

And got me help.

They diagnose Borderline Personality Disorder.

    1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behaviour covered in (5).
    2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. This is called “splitting.”
    3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
    4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behaviour covered in (5).
    5. Recurrent suicidal behaviour, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behaviour. 
    6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days). 
    7. Chronic feelings of emptiness. 
    8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights). 
    9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

I fit this well.

Impulsive. Suicidal. Self harming. Bulimia. Not knowing who I am.

I have a long history of needing to be perfect. To not upset others. To be what someone else wants me to be. No matter what that is.

I play to the role. I can be whoever you want me to be, I just wish I knew who I wanted to be.

Not sustainable in the long run.

Today I am in twice weekly therapy through the centre for psychotherapy in Newcastle. Not all health systems have such a service, but you should look.

We’re working on me accepting me as a valid person.  As having feelings, and THAT IS OKAY. Knowing where they come from. And knowing how I respond. In an aim to respond less extremely next time.

Accepting. And growing.

Technically I’m a functional adult.

I work. I study. I date. I’m a great friend and family member.

I just still melt down occasionally.  All too much…

Borderline Personality Disorder can be managed. We can learn to accept and love ourselves.

It just takes time

And patience.

From me

And you.

—-

Read more about BPD

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder

http://www.sane.org/information/factsheets-podcasts/160-borderline-personality-disorder

http://www.spectrumbpd.com.au/pages/about-borderline-personality-disorder-bpd.php

Where’s Ya Noms at

(taking a quick break from the Blog Every Day in May posts to bring you another post in my Our House series)

I *heart* me some Drunk Kitchen. Google it hehe (Thanks to the lovely Fiona for first sharing it with me). See there I go getting distracted with music again. Where were we? Ah yes the kitchen. This is what we got when we bought the house

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Now I don’t know about you but wood paneling in a kitchen, really isn’t my thing. It’s a total pain in the real to clean. That lovely stove in the corner – broken so our first step was a new stove. Then we decided the island thing was blocking a lot of light so it went. Then Miss K came along and it really wasn’t suitable so new kitchen was to be had. And didn’t we take great delight in helping rip out the cupboards & wood paneling. And our new kitchen slowly took shape over a couple of days (plus the time later to get tiling done and new flooring)

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And I got a new glass hotplate and wall oven *squee* and our dishwasher got put in.

(I’ll edit this post later with a picture of the kitchen when it’s clean – at the moment it’s a tad messy)

Love my kitchen now.

Traits

My three worst traits….

  1. Jealous. I can get really jealous, really easy.
  2. Bad tempered. I simmer on things then snap. Not a good thing.
  3. I can work too hard. When I’m coding web sites I tend to get lost in code and ignore everything else. This only happens after Miss K has gone to bed now so ignoring everything tends to b hubby (who does the same when he’s programing) and the clock meaning late nights and early mornings.

On my soapbox

(and I’m behind on posting daily again)

You know what really gets my goat? For one that saying – what does it even mean? Well there you go. Public service for the day

Back to the matter at hand – if you’ve follow me on Facebook you’d have seen this post Thursday night

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Backstory – Shane Crawford did a walk from Melbourne to Adelaide last year to raise money for Breast Cancer. Thursday on the AFL Footy Show he announced he was doing a bike ride from Melbourne to Perth, again raising money for Breast Cancer. This started my little rant on Facebook. I do think breast cancer is tragic and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy BUT I get so sick of hearing about it and all the fundraising centred around breast cancer.

You hardly ever hear anything about other cancers (maybe with the exception of skin cancers in summer) and that really annoys me. It’s like all other cancers are lesser cancers. According to the Cancer Council website the most common cancers in Australia (excluding non-melanoma skin cancer) are prostate, colorectal (bowel), breast, melanoma and lung cancer. These five cancers account for over 60% of all cancers diagnosed in Australia. Why don’t we hear more about these other types of cancers? Why don’t we hear more about other women’s cancers like cervical & ovarian? Ovarian cancer is the eighth most common cancer and the sixth most common cause of cancer death affecting women in Australia.

I’d love to see more companies/sports clubs/celebrities/TV shows stand up and say there is more than just breast cancer and we’re here to support & raise money/awareness of these other types of cancers.

When events like White Shite Day, Afternoon Teal, Frocktober, Relay for Life and others get more national coverage it’ll be a great thing.

Do you support and cancer fundraising events? If so which ones?

Snap, snap

I borrowed Dad’s DSLR over the weekend to take some snaps for a client and while at the footy. It’s made me realise I really need my own DSLR cause there’s some things where the iPhone camera (& my point & shoot) just doesn’t cut it.  So camera people – come at me with your suggestions. I’m looking for something that I can shoot fast moving sports with (think car racing, footy, wrestling), macro and your standard everyday photos.

Anyways, here’s some of the shots I took over the weekend.

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20 years of Hottest 100

(I could have been serious but I decided to have a little fun with today’s topic – Get real. Share something you’re struggling with right now.)

How do you pick your favourite 20 songs from the last 20 years? Narrow it down even further to your favourite 20 songs from the last 20 years of Triple J’s Hottest 100 (yup the hottest 100 has been going for 20 years!). I’m struggling still. Maybe 1 song from each year? Other notable favs from each year in brackets

  • 93  Nearly lost you – Screaming Trees (No Rain – Blind Mellon; Would – Alice in Chains; Rooster – Alice in Chains)
  • 94 Closer – Nine Inch Nails (Andres – L7; No excuses – Alice in Chains; Gallows pole – Page & Plant; Masses Like Asses DEF FX )
  • 95 Queer – Garbage (Vow – Garbage; Time Bomb – Rancid; Better Man – Pearl Jam; More Human Than Human – White Zombie; Baby did a bad bad thing – Chris Issak)
  • 96 I’ll be your Magick – Def FX (Ballad Of The Skeletons – Allen Ginsberg; Mother, Mother – Tracy Bonham; Only happy when it rains – Garbage; Lay Lady Lay – Ministry)
  • 97 I go off – Diana Ah Naid (ADIDAS – Korn; Prefect Drug – NIN; Cows with Guns – Dana Lyons; Eat Me – Arkana; #1 Crush – Garbage; Strip Search – Faith No More) 
  • 98 Throw Your Arms Around Me – Paul McDermott (Sex & Candy – Marcy Playground; Dragula – Rob Zombie)
  • 99 You shit me to tears – The Tenants When I grow Up – Garbage; All the small things – Blink 182; Stripped – Rammstein)
  • 00 Teenage Dirtbag – Wheatus (Minority – Green Day)
  • 01 Cherry Lips – Garbage
  • 02 Loose Yourself – Eminem
  • 03 Are you gonna be my girl – Jet (Seven Nation Army – The White Stripes; Zebra – John Butler Trio)
  • 04 Coin operated Boy – Dresden Dolls (Somebody told me – The Killers; Common People – William Shatner; Girl Anachronism – Dresden Dolls)
  • 05 Figjam – Butterfingers (BYOB – System of a Down; Filthy/Gorgeous – Scissor Sisters; Why do you love me – Garbage)
  • 06 Smile – Lily Allen
  • 07 Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger – Daft Punk (1234 – Feist; Tick Tick Boom – The Hives)
  • 08 Another way to die – Alicia Keys & Jack White
  • 09 Love Lost – Temper Trap (Bonkers – Dizzy Rascal; One way road – John Butler Trio)
  • 10 Big Jet Plane – Julia & Angus Stone
  • 11 Somebody that I used to know – Gotye
  • 12 Thrift Shop – Macklemore (Love Interruption– Jack White)
  • 13 ???? who knows 😉

Could you pick just 20 songs. Give it a go over at the Triple J page. I struggled in the 2000s, some years more than others.